Being Selfish

Have you ever found yourself living your life for someone else? This could be your spouse, kids, family, friends. You are always doing what your friends ask or what your family ask. You are always that rock for your spouse or your kids. After a while, you can get worn down and worn out from being everything for everyone else. 

Now, I'm not saying you should just "go for yours" and forget everyone. What I am saying is from time to time, you need to be aware of the importance of being there for yourself. You can go, go, go, but in the end, you are drained and the people you are doing all of these things for a just as healthy and as happy as can be. 

Believe me, there is nothing wrong with giving your all for your kids, but hey, in time, kids grow up and they leave to start their own lives. Your spouse, well hopefully if you have done things right, your love and relationship is as strong as ever. Still each person needs that "away time" where you are out doing something for you, recharging your batteries. Then you can go back to being the best YOU that you can be. 

So to all my friends with a big heart, take a minute or two for yourself from time to time to recharge, release and refresh yourself. You will be happy you did. 

Reflection

Take a minute to just sit back and have a nice long look at the wonderful moments in your life. We often take ourselves too serious and the wonderful experiences that helped to get us to where we are, take a backseat to where we are in life now.

I'm sure there are good moments and bad moments alike, but why not think about your first kiss from time to time? Why not think about your first puppy or the first time you held hands with someone you liked? Think about the basketball game where you scored 30 points or the time you hit 3 home runs in a single game. 

Those memories helped to make us who we are. They lie dormant until there is a class reunion or an old friend from school stops by. Take a moment and remissness about the "good ole days" and just smile. Think about the girl/boy that got away. Think about the "what if".

After you have taken a scroll down memory lane, reach out to a long lost friend and let them know you are thinking of them. Connect and share a moment together. Re-live the happy times that both of you shared. Make a new memory to share the next time you have a moment of reflection.  

Stop Making Excuses

Now, I know I'm not going to make many people happy about this one and I'm OK with that.

I am personally tired of hearing excuse after excuse on why people fail. Things like, "I am messed up because I had a bad childhood. I can't keep a job because my dad could't keep a job. The white man is never going to let the black man get ahead. Women are never treated the same as men at work. The government owes me. 400 years of slavery, they should pay us something. I was raised in the hood. I was raised in the country. My parents didn't push me. My parents pushed me too hard."

I could go on and on about those statements or as I like to call them, excuses. I will openly admit, yes, I'm sure there is scientific reasoning that will back up some of those statements. Repetitive negative behavior, just like repetitive positive behavior can have an impact on a person's life. That can be true as a child and as an adult. There is a need for psychiatrist and psychologist to help people figure out where they are headed in life. However, people still have to make a choice to do better, to be better.

There are so many people, major role models and historical figures (some having it much worse in my opinion) and they were able to make a difference, to make something out of their lives. People like Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou, Martin L. King Jr., Malcolm X, Medgar Evers. If I may go back even further, George Washington Carver. To touch on the ones you may really recognize, Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, Mike Tyson. These people were not born famous. They were not born successful. They worked hard at it. What they all shared was passion, goals, determination, the sheer will to be the best they could be. These people were not born rich. They were not born famous. At some point in their lives, they decided who they were and what they were going to be.

You are going to have to find your motivation, your passion. Whether that is sparked by family, kids, a relationship or you just want a better life for yourself, there are ways to get it. YOU have to make that decision to do, be better. Stop making excuses and take a long hard look in the mirror. There is opportunity out there for everyone. The question is, are you going to let your opportunity pass you by or are you going to get on the train of life and see where it takes you? The choice is yours.  

You Can Do Anything You Put Your Mind To

Way to often we think, "I can't do that" or "I'm not like them". I'd like to ask YOU the question, why do you think that? What makes the next person so different from you? You have a head, two arms, two legs, etc. I'll tell you a few of the differences. It's will, drive, will, determination and most importantly, attitude.

So, you don't have as much money. There are things called student loans, grants. Who says you have to go to a 4 year university? There are plenty of accredited community colleges. There is the excuse, "I work and have a family" or "I'm a single parent". Well, there are evening classes, weekend classes, online classes. Think of how much more you will be able to do for your family once you have that degree. The one that you hear now is, "I'm too old". Well, I got news for ya. My own mother (a grandmother) earned her degree well over the age of 50.

There is no reason you can't do what you want to do in order to succeed in life. You want a better job? Read, study, go to school. Request a meeting to speak with the HR person at that company to learn more about what you need to do to obtain a job. If you want to get ahead at your current job, talk to your boss. Let them know you want to achieve more, do more, be more.

First thing you need to do is get your mind right and say, "I can do it", because you can. There is nothing and no one that can prevent you from achieving your goal. You are somebody. You can achieve your goals. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. In most cases it isn't. The only person that can hold you back is you. So, start telling yourself you can do it...and then do it.

Take Time To Be A Dad Today

Gentlemen, I'm sure you've seen the commercials on ESPN where they show a scene of a little kid doing something, and then the dad comes over to help. Then they go off into the music and say, "take time to be a dad today". I believe they have the right concept behind those commercials, however, being a good father has to come from inside of you.

I can admit, I haven't always been the best father. I know there were times where I could have done a better job at being apart of my kids lives. Now, this has nothing to do with me and my father and our relationship. I can honestly say, I'm the father I am today because of my dad.

True enough, you may have grown up in a home where your father was barely around or not around at all. Some of you even had your father there the entire time. As we do in most family settings, we take what we know as "normal" from our childhood and try to incorporate that into our lives. We do this knowingly and unknowingly. The think that they are still doing studies on this: Will a boy grow to become a good father, because they had a great father growing up? Will the young man grow up to be an absent father because his own father was not around much? Will a young man know how to treat his kids by not having a father figure in their lives at all? I don't care how much research they do, there is no way of knowing. There are plenty of troubled young men that didn't have their father growing up that turned out to be great fathers with a successful marriage. There are young men that had their father around and gave them everything. They grow up to resent them for being there.

Being a dad isn't an exact science. There are plenty of books and people that think they know. I suggest talking to men you trust. Read a book or two on parenting. In the end, your kids are your kids. Spend time with them. Get to know them and who they are. As much as we'd like to think they are mirror images of us, they aren't.

Take the time to be there for you kids. That hour you spend with them can be life changing compared to that hour in front of the TV, at the bar, playing games. I'm not saying forget who you are and just kids, kids, kids. What I am saying is understand the importance of spending time with your kids. They really do listen and believe it or not, they really do want to spend time with you. Take time to be a dad today...

The Grass Isn't Always Greener...

You ever hear the term, "The grass is greener on the other side"? Meaning, what's over there is better than what you have. Sometimes this is true, sometimes it isn't. Each situation is different. It could be related to a job, moving to the other side of town, it's even used in relationships.

Work - You have to carefully review your situation and circumstances before making a decision to do something different (or what you perceive as better). Make sure you are making the change for the right reasons and not just for "right now". Sometimes work gets complacent and you get the need to do more, to be more. In some cases, it's monetary reasons that inspire you to make a change. Evaluate all of your work conditions and options. Make the best decision that encompasses all you want to do and where you want to go. Have a plan and then execute that plan to get to where you want to be.

Moving - This (in my opinion) is the easiest decision to make. Perhaps you took a new job and received a promotion. The area you are looking to move to has better schools or more activities for the kids. It may even be closer to work. Again, weigh out the pros and cons. New neighbors, new friends for the kids. New commute to work, etc. Make sure it's the best for you (if you don't have a family) and make sure it's the best decision for your family.

Relationships - Oh boy...now here's a big one. There are so many reasons that you need to weigh out ALL of your options. First things first. Always work on your relationship. Talk it out. Share with each other your thoughts and feelings and try to come to a compromise. Don't sweat the little things and put 100% effort into everything you do ---- Now, if you have put all you can into the relationship and it's not working again, talk it out and decide to split ways on good terms. Don't go cheat or stay round and grow to resent each other. Be adults about the situation. Just make sure it's what you want and again...for the right reasons. As I said, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side".

"Do or do not. There is no try"

"Do or do not. There is no try" is a quote from one of my favorite movie series. That saying in itself, could not be more accurate to daily life. So often we say, "Well, I'll try". I've learned over the years that "I'll try" is an excuse not to do your best. It's a precursor for failure. If you say "I'll try" no one will hold you accountable if you fail. You will not hold yourself accountable if you fail.

We have to get into the mindset of actually doing what we say we are going to do. If you tell a co-worker, a family member, a friend, "I'll do that for you", then do it. Your word is your bond (bond = promise). Take accountability for your actions, your decision making and ultimately your success and failures. If you make the effort and fail, be proud in the fact that you gave your all. If you make the effort and succeed, enjoy knowing you have accomplished the task at hand and continue to move forward.

Believe it or not, success starts with having the right mindset. If you tell yourself, you are not going to do well, chances are you are not going to do well. If you say, I'm going to past this test or I'm going to get this job, then you will. I'm not saying there aren't going to obstacles, because there will be. I'd like to reference Michael Jordan. The man many of us consider to be the greatest basketball player ever. This man was cut from his high school basketball team. If his mindset would have been, "well, I tried", there is no telling if we would even have an NBA today.

Condition your mind that you can do it. That you can make it. The road isn't always easy. There will be struggles, but make up your mind that you will make it. That you will succeed..."Just do it"!

Listen To Yourself For A Change...

Have you ever dated someone for a few months, only to hear, "I'm not sure we are on the same page". Months of talking, going out, laughing and even being intimate. Not because they want to see other people. Not because they realized they suddenly didn't want to be with you, but because they are afraid of being happy. 

Ever so often, we find people that are mildly self-destructive and then they wonder why they are not happy. They get in a relationship, everything is going good and then, it's a friend that has a bad relationship or things about an ex comes up. The person then starts trying to poke holes into what's working. "Have I been single long enough? Is this really the right person for me? Am I on the rebound? Do I need to just focus on me?" Don't forget, at this point, the relationship is actually going very well. 

So, you turn to those closest to you for advice. The mom (who isn't so happy in her relationship, whose also in her second marriage) telling you that you should be alone, because that's what she'd do if she could do it over. The friend that's jealous of them and their relationship talking about everything negative because she is alone and we all know "misery loves company". So now even though you have been in a great relationship, the doubt is starting to sink in. 

How did we go from a great new relationship, to now not knowing if you want to be with someone? I'll tell you...by not following your heart. By listening to others. 

We live and love throughout our lifetime. It's safe not to take a chance, not to take a risk on love. If you are not willing to take that chance, stop asking God to send you someone for you, if you only intend on giving up on what HE sends you. By living in fear of "what if" you never really enjoy what you have and grow in what could be. How about praying and thanking God for what you have and the continued growth of your new relationship instead of dwelling on "what if". 

How Slow is Slow?

Sometimes when starting a new relationship, one party usually says, "Let's take things slow". The question then becomes, how slow is slow? What context is that meant to be in? Does that mean get to know one another before becoming intimate? Does it mean we only have one date a week? Does it mean not meeting friends or family until several months have gone by? 

The real question is, how long do you try to hold on to someone after "taking it slow" starts taking forever. You share your feelings, talk about the small things, work toward long term and the other person is still saying "I want to take it slow with you". Months have went by and you still haven't met their friends or family. Are they embarrassed to show you off? Are they scared their family won't like you or are they just not sure they want to be with you? 

The final question and though is, how long do you keep standing by? You want to be with that person. You have shown and told them on multiple occasions you wanted to be with them. You wanted to build a life and a future with them. You not only say it, but your actions prove it time and time again. How long do you keep trying? How long do you let you love seemingly fade into thin air...

Patience

Sometimes we meet someone and fall head over heals for them. Their smile is intoxicating. Their eyes sparkle in every glimmer of light. They have the personality to make anyone feel comfortable. You find yourself wanting to spend every minute of your free time with them. Wanting to be close to them if only to hold hands and watch TV or share a meal, a walk.

As you get to know that person, you understand they have problems and issues. I mean who doesn't. You assure that person that you are there for them and you want to be in their life. They are afraid, because they have been hurt. That is completely understandable. You try to comfort them and they push you away. Don't give up on them. You can't help how you feel.

Listen to them. If they tell you how they feel, take that into account and consideration. You can't force someone to love you. You can only be there for them and let them know that you care for them.

You may ask, "Well, how long should I wait?" Each situation is different. If you truly love the person, there isn't a limit on the amount of time you would wait. If you love them and looking for more, talk to that person. Tell them how you feel. Sometime its just that simple. If you feel you have given your all and nothing is changing, maybe it is time to move on. Sometimes people don't recognize what they have until it's gone.

Just remember, communication is the key. Let them know how you feel. If they are not where you are, you are going to have to make the decision to have patience or move on. The choice is yours.

Bounce Back

You know how they say one door closes and another one opens? Well, that statement is very true. When you end a relationship or are a part of a relationship ending, there are a lot of feelings. There could be resentment, anger, frustration, sadness. A multitude of emotions. Then there are people on the opposite side of the spectrum. They don't care, move on within days, literally forget you existed. You never know how it will turn out. Each person is different. Hopefully you are a mature adult and can express how you feel to the person you are breaking up with or the person that broke up with you. If it was bad, well, they stuck around this long. If it was good, there isn't any reason to be bitter. Some people grow together, some grow apart.

The main thing here is how you recover. Now, you can sit around and mope and be sad. That is totally understandable. However, at some point, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there. What one person didn't like about you, the next person may. The key is to be real with yourself and your feelings. Know what you want and what you are looking for, and then get back out there. Don't hold on to the negativity. Be willing to judge the next person based on their actions, not actions that remind you of your ex. There may be similarities, but communicate with your new partner and let them know how you are feeling.

Learn from your mistakes. Open your heart to new possibilities. Life is too short to hold grudges and not be happy.

P.S. If you are the heart-breaker, be honest with your partner. Don't be petty. Before you break up with the person, ask yourself, why am I breaking up with them. Please make sure it isn't something shallow. If you have someone that adores you and you are not happy, you owe it to tell them. Try to work it out. If you can't, then end it on good terms. Even if you can't be friends, be mature about how you do it. You will be a better person for it.

Happiness

What is happiness? Is it having money? Is it being surrounded by friends and family? Is it having your dream job? Getting a good night's sleep every night? Cuddling up on the couch with your partner on a rainy afternoon? Honestly, all of these are forms of happiness...for someone.

We all have an idea of what we consider being happy. What one person may feel is happiness for them, may not be the same for the next person. We are all individuals that have different wants and needs. The amazing thing is when you meet someone that shares your visions of happiness. That's when it starts to come together. We are not meant to be alone: The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

We all need someone in our lives to be there for us. To help us, to support us, to be there for us. When you find that special person, give 100% of you and continue to find your happiness.

Friends and How They Affect Your Relationship

In this day and age of social media, our friends get to see what's happening in our lives by status updates and posting pictures. Some of our friends we call and/or visit to share updates on our lives. Let's speak on the impact of friends in your relationship.

I will be the first to tell you, there is nothing wrong with having friends. However, it's up to you and your partner if you choose to keep close contact with friends of the opposite sex (an entirely different topic). Friends can be great comforters during hard times and awesome supporters during the good times. The issue is, our friends tend be able to sway our thinking based on their own personal affairs. For example, your best friend could have just went though a bad breakup. You talk to them about it. All of a sudden you start questioning the same things about your partner (even if they have NEVER given you an indication of what you are thinking).

Another issue is a when you have a friend that's jealous of your life. Of course they would never admit it, but this is when they start telling you all of the things THEY don't like about your partner (even if you like those things). The problem here is if you hear those things long enough, you start to believe them, and effectively changing your relationship over time.

Of course there is the "misery loves company" friend. They are not in a relationship, so they tell you that you don't need to be in one. They try to show you how appealing the single life is. The issue with this is, you want to be in a relationship.You enjoy sharing your life with another person and being a part of theirs. So you end up listening to your friend and having miserable time,because it's not really what you are looking for.

So the question is, can you recognize when your friends are not helping your relationship? Are you willing to have them take a back seat to you being happy? Maybe they helped you though a tough time in your life? OK, so they helped you out. Thank you. It still doesn't give them (or family members-yes another topic) the right to tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing. Your happiness is YOUR happiness. No other individual has the right to tell you what makes you happy or tell you how you should live your life. It's up to you to find the joy your heart desires and continue to build on that joy. Friends are great to have, but recognize when they are doing more harm than good.

Relationships and Kids

As we all know, relationships require time, patience, effort and work to be successful. Once you add kids to the mix, that adds an entirely new dimension to the relationship. I'll assume a few things before I get started. Things like you have told your partner you have kids, how many and their ages.

Now, if you are a single parent (full time or shared time) you have to ask yourself a few things before you start dating:

1. Am I looking to just date and hang out?
2. Am I looking for someone for me (usually for people with older kids)?
3. Am I looking for someone that's parent material (likes kids, wants a family) and will be a good partner for me?

Depending on what you are looking for, your relationship could take a turn for the better or worse. If you meet someone and they are all about hanging out and go-go-go,.then you say, "Let's take the kids here" and their response/body language turns into something you didn't expect, chances are, they are not ready to be a parent figure. Let's move on shall we...

Now, the next part is based on the situation. You could have older, self sufficient kids, that are capable of taking care of themselves when you are not around. The thing is, when you are seriously wanting to date someone, you need to discuss the situation with your kids. You are dating for you, but you don't want them to feel like they are being put to the side for this new person. You still have to make time for them of course and continue to show them the same level of love and affection. Let them know that you want to bring this person into your lives for the better. Kids will form their own opinions after spending time with your friend. Even after spending time, if your older kids don't like your friend all that well, just ask your kids to respect your relationship. If you decide to get married/move in with that person, well, that's an entirely different conversation :-)

If you are just reviewing your options (dating around), take this into consideration. You are going to meet people that just want to date. You are going to meet people that are looking for a relationship. You are going to meet people that don't know what they want in life. Hopefully you know what you want to do ahead of time. That way you won't end up dating someone and they are looking for more and you are not. You could end up serious about that person and they just want to date. Lastly, you could end up with someone that doesn't know what they want. Those hurt the worse, because you could have given your 100% while they are only giving 30%. At times they give you 100%, but end up hoovering between 50% - 70%. Just let them know how you feel about them. Let them make the decision. You can't force someone to love you or be with you.You can just show them what you have to offer them (...and hopefully it will work out for you).

Bottom line, try to know what you want before you start dating.You are not the only person in a relationship or could be affected by the negative or positive outcome of your actions. Good luck and I hope you find the person that's for you.

Give 100% of You

I am no expert on relationships. I have had my fair share of heartache, heartbreak and love. See, the thing about relationships is you get out of it what you put into it. We'll revisit this toward the end  :-)

It's natural to be nervous and scared. It's a new relationship. You are continuously getting to know what the other person likes, doesn't like. You are sharing your thoughts, fears, wishes and dreams. You put yourself in a high level of vulnerability. Face it, you are sharing YOUR life with another person. Now, at this point I'm hoping you have chosen someone that truly cares about you for who you are.

This is where the relationship gets interesting. You have put time and effort into it. Gone on multiple dates, visiting with each other's family, etc, The question is, are you putting 100% of yourself into this relationship? Not just 20% or 40%. Not even 50%, but a full 100% of you. OK, you are probably saying, "If I am putting a 100% of me into this relationship, when do I have time for me?" That my friends is the question you need to be asking yourself BEFORE you decide to date someone. If you are not over needing 100% of your time and effort for you, don't date. It's really that simple. 

Now, on that same line of thought of giving 100% of you, doesn't mean 100% of your ever waking moment to be spent with that person (although that can be amazing too). It means you are committed to giving your best effort in the relationship. We all have busy lives. That's when you get with your partner and say, "Let's have a date night on Tuesday's, Thursday's and Saturday's (of course you pick days that are good for you). That sets a level of expectation of seeing each other. The other days (including the rest of the time you have on those days that you are seeing your partner) get done what you need to get done. Dinners with family, friends. Going shopping, etc. It's called time management. In this day and age of technology, sending a text to say, "Good morning" or "I'm thinking of you" or "I love you" takes little to no effort. FYI...there is also something called a phone where you can speak into it and say words and the person on the other end can hear you. That's right people, sometimes sending a text just won't do it. Text messages DO NOT replace phone calls. It's an "addition to", not an "instead of".

The next side of this 100% is when you are with your partner, you are with your partner. Not thinking of what you need to do tomorrow or what's happening later that night. Not on your phone or sending 100 text to people you can easily talk to or see the next day. You only get to see that person for a limited amount of time, so make the best of time you have with that person. It shows them you actually want to be there with them, not somewhere else.  

In closing, it takes little to no time to let someone know you care about them. If you put your heart into it, you should get a heart in return. Once you have chosen someone to date, meaning both of you have decided to be exclusive, make the choice to put 100% of yourself into it.