Listen To Yourself For A Change...

Have you ever dated someone for a few months, only to hear, "I'm not sure we are on the same page". Months of talking, going out, laughing and even being intimate. Not because they want to see other people. Not because they realized they suddenly didn't want to be with you, but because they are afraid of being happy. 

Ever so often, we find people that are mildly self-destructive and then they wonder why they are not happy. They get in a relationship, everything is going good and then, it's a friend that has a bad relationship or things about an ex comes up. The person then starts trying to poke holes into what's working. "Have I been single long enough? Is this really the right person for me? Am I on the rebound? Do I need to just focus on me?" Don't forget, at this point, the relationship is actually going very well. 

So, you turn to those closest to you for advice. The mom (who isn't so happy in her relationship, whose also in her second marriage) telling you that you should be alone, because that's what she'd do if she could do it over. The friend that's jealous of them and their relationship talking about everything negative because she is alone and we all know "misery loves company". So now even though you have been in a great relationship, the doubt is starting to sink in. 

How did we go from a great new relationship, to now not knowing if you want to be with someone? I'll tell you...by not following your heart. By listening to others. 

We live and love throughout our lifetime. It's safe not to take a chance, not to take a risk on love. If you are not willing to take that chance, stop asking God to send you someone for you, if you only intend on giving up on what HE sends you. By living in fear of "what if" you never really enjoy what you have and grow in what could be. How about praying and thanking God for what you have and the continued growth of your new relationship instead of dwelling on "what if". 

Bounce Back

You know how they say one door closes and another one opens? Well, that statement is very true. When you end a relationship or are a part of a relationship ending, there are a lot of feelings. There could be resentment, anger, frustration, sadness. A multitude of emotions. Then there are people on the opposite side of the spectrum. They don't care, move on within days, literally forget you existed. You never know how it will turn out. Each person is different. Hopefully you are a mature adult and can express how you feel to the person you are breaking up with or the person that broke up with you. If it was bad, well, they stuck around this long. If it was good, there isn't any reason to be bitter. Some people grow together, some grow apart.

The main thing here is how you recover. Now, you can sit around and mope and be sad. That is totally understandable. However, at some point, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back out there. What one person didn't like about you, the next person may. The key is to be real with yourself and your feelings. Know what you want and what you are looking for, and then get back out there. Don't hold on to the negativity. Be willing to judge the next person based on their actions, not actions that remind you of your ex. There may be similarities, but communicate with your new partner and let them know how you are feeling.

Learn from your mistakes. Open your heart to new possibilities. Life is too short to hold grudges and not be happy.

P.S. If you are the heart-breaker, be honest with your partner. Don't be petty. Before you break up with the person, ask yourself, why am I breaking up with them. Please make sure it isn't something shallow. If you have someone that adores you and you are not happy, you owe it to tell them. Try to work it out. If you can't, then end it on good terms. Even if you can't be friends, be mature about how you do it. You will be a better person for it.

Relationships and Kids

As we all know, relationships require time, patience, effort and work to be successful. Once you add kids to the mix, that adds an entirely new dimension to the relationship. I'll assume a few things before I get started. Things like you have told your partner you have kids, how many and their ages.

Now, if you are a single parent (full time or shared time) you have to ask yourself a few things before you start dating:

1. Am I looking to just date and hang out?
2. Am I looking for someone for me (usually for people with older kids)?
3. Am I looking for someone that's parent material (likes kids, wants a family) and will be a good partner for me?

Depending on what you are looking for, your relationship could take a turn for the better or worse. If you meet someone and they are all about hanging out and go-go-go,.then you say, "Let's take the kids here" and their response/body language turns into something you didn't expect, chances are, they are not ready to be a parent figure. Let's move on shall we...

Now, the next part is based on the situation. You could have older, self sufficient kids, that are capable of taking care of themselves when you are not around. The thing is, when you are seriously wanting to date someone, you need to discuss the situation with your kids. You are dating for you, but you don't want them to feel like they are being put to the side for this new person. You still have to make time for them of course and continue to show them the same level of love and affection. Let them know that you want to bring this person into your lives for the better. Kids will form their own opinions after spending time with your friend. Even after spending time, if your older kids don't like your friend all that well, just ask your kids to respect your relationship. If you decide to get married/move in with that person, well, that's an entirely different conversation :-)

If you are just reviewing your options (dating around), take this into consideration. You are going to meet people that just want to date. You are going to meet people that are looking for a relationship. You are going to meet people that don't know what they want in life. Hopefully you know what you want to do ahead of time. That way you won't end up dating someone and they are looking for more and you are not. You could end up serious about that person and they just want to date. Lastly, you could end up with someone that doesn't know what they want. Those hurt the worse, because you could have given your 100% while they are only giving 30%. At times they give you 100%, but end up hoovering between 50% - 70%. Just let them know how you feel about them. Let them make the decision. You can't force someone to love you or be with you.You can just show them what you have to offer them (...and hopefully it will work out for you).

Bottom line, try to know what you want before you start dating.You are not the only person in a relationship or could be affected by the negative or positive outcome of your actions. Good luck and I hope you find the person that's for you.